OKADA GISTS (PART 2)

So we are still on gists about okadas and if you thought the other stories were funny, you are going to think these ones I’m about to tell you are freaking hilarious. These incidents happened in Warri, which as we all know, is the comedy capital of Nigeria. Both funny incidents had my female friends, Edirin and Blessing  starring as the main characters ( aside from the okada man, that is). And it so happens that both of them are hair stylists.

Blessing had attended my grandma’s funeral at the riverine villages of Ekogbene and Ojobo and on getting to Warri, wanted to take a bike home. She and the okada man agreed on the fare and were soon on their way. As they went along, the rider said to her, “Ehen sis, as we dey go so, one big pothole dey the road o. If we reach, nor fear, just hold me for waist”. She was surprised and being a crazy person herself and wanting to play along, she said to him, “Ah, big pothole? Okay if we don dey reach, lemme know”; to which the ‘bike man’ replied , “fuen”. As they approached the said pothole, he reminds her, “We don reach the pothole, oya hold me quick!!”. But he didn’t get the romantic ‘holding’ he was expecting. He was held alright, not around his waist but around his neck! He started screaming because her grip on his neck was tight. The bike began to sway and when it slowed down a bit, she jumped off it. The man was shocked and was like, “You wan kill me? No be so I say make you hold me na!” “No be you say make I hold you? Na hold I hold u so na. You dey find woman abi? Nor take me play that kind play, you hear me so?” Well, they hopped on the bike and continued on their way with the bike man still coughing, trying to get his bearings back.

As they got to the roundabout at Jakpa junction, what he   did showed that the okada man had learnt nothing from what had just happened to him. He was supposed to turn to the left towards Jakpa road, but can you imagine what he did? He rubbed his hand on her thigh and asked, “Na left I go take abi?” I’m sure in his wildest dreams, that man could never have imagined what happened to him next. Immediately he rubbed her thigh and asked the silly question, a punch as strong and as potent as one dealt by John Cena, landed on his head. “Shebi you dey take me dey play abi? I go blow all your eye ehn, nothing go happen. You dey find woman, you no know where you go go?” She got off that bike, paid him zilch and hailed another that finally took her home.

Edirin  got on this bike that was supposed to take her home and she was charged N200. At first she didn’t realise the okada man was an aboki. When he got to the area, he was taking the straight road (which was tarred), instead of the right one which was untarred and was the way home for Edirin. She called his attention to it and he was angry, saying his bike couldn’t pass through an untarred road. A few people gathered and after they had pleaded with him, he reluctantly continued the ‘trip’. But this time, he was deliberately diving into the potholes with vengeance. She had to caution him sternly, “Abeg, no go throw me for ground. Drop me if you no wan go, you hear?” He continued for a short distance, stopped and said his fuel was finished and he couldn’t go any further. There was still some distance to go before she got home. She just smiled and said, “Ehya, your fuel finish? How we wan do am na? Money nor dey with me here o. Oya park your bike make we waka reach my house. I go collect money give you”  The bike guy didn’t expect the conversation to take that unexpected turn. He rolled the bike while walking for a short distance, but he was getting tired so he asked her to get on the bike so he could continue the ride to her destination as earlier agreed. This yeye girl refused o, lol. “But you say fuel don finish for your bike na, how manage fuel don enter just now? No worry I wan waka” The man pleaded with her saying he had fuel in his bike, but she didn’t budge. She continued walking while the aboki okada continued behind her. And to make matters worse for the man, she was walking really slowly and even stopped to say ‘hi’ to a few people. The man was fuming and she was smiling as they walked and walked and walked. Finally, they got to her destination and she asked him to wait while she went inside for the fare. While inside, she waited for another 20 minutes or so, before coming out to her okada man. She gave him the money without saying anything and he zoomed off in a dusty haze of anger induced gallop!

When I heard both stories, I laughed really long and hard. As Edirin said, “All these bike men: their own too much. I nor dey pity them o. I nor get pity wey I wan waste for one bike man sha”. Well, to an extent she may be right. Sometimes, they think they know the best route for you (I mean, most times they do), but what if I don’t want that particular route for personal reasons? I have the right na, abi? One okada man was almost forcing ‘us’ to take a particular road and almost gave me a speech about how that road was better. It was so exasperating I was screaming, “Don’t pass that road abeg!” I’m sure we’ve all… (wait, certainly not all of us sha, now that I think of it), had crazy, funny, scary, annoying or maybe even humbling experiences, and inasmuch as some people may consider them a nuisance on the roads, most of us still depend a lot on them…at least for now.

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